Like You Never Did This...

A Special Moment In Parenting

So here I am with my earphones plugged in, watching Penn and Teller's Bullshit (great show) when my mom taps me on the shoulder to tell me Kiddo has a monster in his room and I am the only one who can help. Oh yes, he has horns like this *wiggles forefingers near temples*.

Okay, let's see what we can do.

"What up Kiddo?"

"There's a monster in here and he has horns like this" *wiggles forefingers near temples*

"So I heard. Where is it?"

"In the closet, here, you hold my little bunny."

*thinking to self, "where the hell did the bunny come from?"

"There he is. Ssssh!"

"Which shelf?

"I think he's on the bottom shelf, let me move my shoes."

Okay I know if we start this shtick he will use it as an excuse to stay up all damn night and I have to get up early tomorrow, so it's time to nip this in the bud.

"Okay, before you move the shoes, what exactly do you want me to do with this monster, do you want me to get rid of him?"

"Yes. Get rid of him."

"Do you know the monster's name?"

"Yes. It's Red."

"Red? Okay, let me go get my can of Red the Monster remover."

Please keep in mind that I am pulling all this out of my ass as I go. I walk 3 steps to the bathroom and grab my can of Red the Monster Remover, also known as Lysol Neutra Air Freshener in Clean Linen scent. Monsters HATE the smell of clean linen, it's a fact. Give me 10 minutes and you could even find it on wikipedia.

Okay, so back in the room, I explain the way the spray works, and with a *fwoosh* no more monster. You know how you can be sure? They smell like clean linen when they vaporize. 

So I tucked the critter back in bed and walk back into the living room where my mom is trying hard not to snicker.

"What's your problem? It's the best I could think of, okay?"

"Oh I think it's great. Anti-monster spray, I love it!"

"Well, the poor thing was lounging on Kiddo's shoes, I figure he'd appreciate it."

"So it was a mercy killing?"

"Exactly."